Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
