i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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