he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
