She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
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Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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