It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I am one with the molecules
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
