i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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