Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Randomize
