i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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