You can't special order awesome
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
