I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize