Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
