So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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