Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
