my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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