I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
