I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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