Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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