Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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