just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
