you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
