I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
