she takes plan B like it's going out of style
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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