im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
