its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
do nipples grow back?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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