Old men and throwing up are my life now.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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