if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
