i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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