$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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