If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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