On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
whose parrot is this?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
