sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
