I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
