While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.