he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?