Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
