i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
