I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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