I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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