i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
