Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
