If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
