you traded sex for a burrito?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
