if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
