No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.