tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm passing your future prison.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
