Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
