Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
