Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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