When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
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It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
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