the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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