Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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