Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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