I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
