so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
