Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
