i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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