he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
