brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
