where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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