Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
